Why it can be hard for HR business partners to say ‘no’
HR business partners are called upon by managers and employees to solve all kinds of problems and they are sometimes the last resort when other avenues such as their own managers or colleagues have proved to be dead ends. It is not surprising that in the face of such potential desperation, many HR professionals who are, by their own admission, ‘people people’ feel compelled to do almost anything to help. This ‘anything’ may involve spending many hours in face to face or virtual meetings knowing that work is stacking up in the meantime and will have to be finished well beyond working hours. It may involve dedicating time and energy to the career concerns of others when really the most effective form of help would have been a rapid referral to another area. It may involve working on weekends and forgoing the company of family and friends just one more time...
The motivations of people professionals of all kinds can be explained by different unconscious dynamics. These are not problematic in themselves and may support sustained altruism and effective service throughout a working life. However, they can lead to self defeating behaviors and also the provision of help which is more focused on the needs of the helper than the person needing help.
What helps
Encouraging frequent conversations in HR teams about ‘boundaries’ and appropriate levels of service
Modelling good boundary and time management in your own work
Actively encouraging colleagues to take and enjoy holidays and demonstrate this by doing the same!
Accepting that sometimes the question is: ‘How can we manage this problem together?’ rather than ‘How can I solve this for you?’
Practicing different ways of saying ‘no’ effectively free from guilt
Resources
Michael Jacobs, ‘Still, Small, Voice’ - and introduction to pastoral counselling. SPCK, 1994. In Chapter 4, ‘Starting with yourself’ Jacobs makes a summary of the motivations for becoming a helper and how these can undermine the helping relationship if not fully understood.
‘One way in which helpers care more for themselves, especially when their upbringing has stressed the importance of being ‘unselfish’, is by projecting their hidden wish for love on to the client, and surrounding the client with the care and attention that the helper really wishes he or she could have.’ (Page 63)
Lois Frankel, author of ‘Nice Girls Don’t Speak Up or Stand Out’ is interviewed by one of my favorite podcasters, Dave Stachoviak. They discuss how to say no when it is appropriate and how to do so with professionalism and grace.
https://coachingforleaders.com/podcast/saying-no-lois-frankel/
