Why help leaders to express vulnerability
I noticed a manager looked pale, hot and very tired after a presentation in which he had given some very tough feedback to his teams as a justification for changes he wanted to introduce. I congratulated him on managing the difficult reactions from his team well and shared my observation that he looked a bit tired. After brushing off my complement he mentioned in passing that he was just recovering from a serious illness. ‘Why didn’t you share that with your team?” I asked. ‘Oh it’s not important or relevant for this meeting’ was the reply. I pressed on having read a lot about the benefits for leaders in sharing their vulnerability and suggested it may have made the men (and they were all men) to whom he was speaking more open to his message. They might have felt more connected to him as a result of a sense of their shared humanity.
Why sharing feelings can be so difficult
Men, in particular, but not exclusively, associate feelings with weakness and weakness is shaming. Shame is itself a feeling to be avoided at all costs and so far better not to express too much vulnerability and difficult associated feelings. For many men, therefore, it is safer to be isolated than to be connected. More successful managers have learned that connectedness fostered in relationships characterized by transparency and mutual sharing enable them to do their jobs much better.
What helps
Normalizing the expressions of feelings and information about oneself that may appear vulnerable.
Citing examples of moments when self revelation has helped other managers in similar situations.
Asking before providing this kind of feedback. Is it useful? OK now?
Resources
Rowan, J. ‘Healing the Male Psyche’, Routledge, London and New York, 1997.
‘Men so often pay no attention to their internal clocks, to their internal responses, to their internal feelings. Men work long hours without letting up, turn up to work every day when not feeling well, hide natural responses and their internal feelings. There is a sort of unspoken pressure to keep alert and vigilant in case of attack’ (page, 135)
